If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
