i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
