I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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