Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
