he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
