do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
