It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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