Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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