Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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