He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
