mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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