I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
