i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
