My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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