I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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