you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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