Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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