I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
