i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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