do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
