Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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