I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We are two peas in an std pod
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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