btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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