i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
