I am puke
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
