can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
