I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
