So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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