Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
