dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
