Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
