@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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