It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
