I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
false alarm, still single
Randomize
