I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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