Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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