Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
