cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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