I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
