This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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