You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
