Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
