In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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