god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
