Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
