How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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