Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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