What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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