i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
