mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
