This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
