Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The adults are the big ones right?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
