I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
