Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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