There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
