I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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