he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
