Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
