Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
