She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
